A Couples Therapist’s Guide to Enhancing Intimacy

February 27, 2015

Intimacy is at the heart of a strong relationship, and sex in a loving relationship should be the physical embodiment of intimacy that comes from a place of love and connection. Intimacy can be cultivated in many ways, such as spending quality time together, enjoying physical, non-sexual contact, or enjoying shared interests and listening to each other. Being intimate with your partner requires you to be open and honest with him or her, and it is from this state of intimacy that great sex grows. Below are tips for creating intimacy before, during, and after sex while spicing things up.

Try something new

Increasingly, people are expressing the desire to try new things in the bedroom. It’s a great way to honor your sexuality and connection with your partner. Try an activity you’ve never done before — whether it’s sexy, like a couples’ massage class, or pure fun, such as a sexy date night and then heading home to bring the exciting energy into the bedroom. You can try a new position or sex toy, or incorporate some kink, or talk about a specific fantasy. See if any local sex educators are running workshops aimed at adults who want more from their sex lives and who want to learn how to try new things safely and respectfully.


Do whatever it takes to make time for sex

When life gets in the way of regular sex, you may just need to make a little time for each other. So commit to a night or nights where you will have sex. Find ways to communicate with your partner throughout the day to stay connected. You can have fun with this and flirt your way through the day leading up to your sex night helping to build the energy. At the same time, let go of expectations of this being the most romantic, passionate, or movie-screen sex. Let it just happen.


Tune into each other emotionally and physically

Safe emotional connection frees us up so that we are able to reveal our sexual needs and desires to our lover. Try to create intimacy before sex by spending time talking and making each other laugh. Looking at your partner in the eye can be a deeply vulnerable and connecting experience as well. After sex, hold each other and talk about what you really liked. Paying attention to your needs, to your lover’s needs, and communicating them can lead to both of you feeling desired, having our desires met, and more passion overall.


Charmaine Ensinger, MFT is a marriage and family therapist who enjoys working with adults, young adults, children, couples, and families of all backgrounds. Her areas of focus include anxiety, depression, trauma, and life transitions. Request an appointment today.