Crossing a River in the Dark
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What Kind of Therapy Do We Need in a Time Like This?
We are living in a time of unprecedented confusion and challenge. Economic and legal uncertainty, political and global instability, environmental tipping points, our shifting relationship with technology, and conflicts over values and resources at every level all collide in daily life. What is a healthy response to the circumstances that we are in? What is needed from therapy in a time like this?
Anger, confusion, powerlessness, dread, despair, grief and fear are some of the feelings I’ve heard named by others in the past eight months, and I’ve felt them all myself as well. In fact, there have been days as I’ve been writing this when I have been in the grip of one or more of these emotions, and have wondered what I could usefully say to others about how to cope and to stay present, when I’ve been finding that to be difficult myself.
It’s important to know that these feelings can be hard to cope with, and it is also important to know that feelings like this are a congruent, healthy and appropriate response to living in a world where rules and norms are being turned upside down every day. The feelings are themselves a sign of emotional awareness, and it is important to our continued emotional health that we allow ourselves to feel them fully, rather than avoiding or repressing them through any of the many ways that human beings have learned to escape painful feelings that are sometimes overwhelming (denial, addictions, shutting down, etc.). Emotions are a source of vital information. They are a critical element of our ability to determine what is real, what is true, what is right for us. And they help to point the way to the actions we will want to take as multiple crisis points develop.
Psychotherapy and community can support the process of feeling difficult emotions and finding ways to cope with them – psychotherapy because it is uniquely designed to help us learn to experience and process our emotions; community because we are not facing an individual problem to be solved by each of us separately. Rather, it is a much larger collective, cultural, even civilizational crisis to which we need to direct sustained collective attention, and in which we need each other’s companionship, support and shared effort. To be in community requires an additional set of skills, some having to do with the ability to establish and sustain connection across differences, which is a major stress point in today’s world.
Some years ago, I went through a time of turmoil and fear about the future in my own life. A number of professional, family and financial structures that grounded me were changing, and it became necessary for me to find a different path, as well as to establish new structures. What the new path and the new structures would be was unclear to me at the time. It was like being in a new territory without a map or a visible pathway to orient me. I found myself describing the experience as being like crossing a river in the dark. In the dark, you can have a sense of where the other shore – your hoped-for destination – is. And if you reach the first stone in the river, near the edge, and look for a minute, you will probably see the next stone. As you carefully place your feet onto that next stone and take another minute to be sure you are steady, then you can begin to look for the next stone.
This time it is our civilization itself that is in turmoil, upheaval and fear about the future. Familiar societal structures that have grounded us are being actively dismantled, at the same time that innovative approaches to our metacrisis are being explored and voiced. In this case, even the direction of the river’s flow is unclear. It’s hard to be confident that there will be the stability of existing stones to be found in the river, and that it will even be possible to pause there. We don’t know for sure where the other shore is, and it’s not even clear that that is where we want to go anyhow. We only know that the ground is shifting where we are, and that we have to find and even create more stable ground. And in this circumstance, we are not alone in our need to navigate the river and the terrain; there’s a multitude of us, and we will do best if we can find common ground, work together, offer each other support, and find a way to move together through the river, and to the more stable ground we are looking for. It’s more like learning how to become and work as a team while we learn how to build a boat: learning two complex sets of skills as we are simultaneously navigating unfamiliar waters.
What follows is a list of several related emotional skills/competencies that are important for us as individuals to develop and strengthen, in order to help us, both separately and together, to cope constructively and creatively with our current circumstances. This is not intended as a to-do list; rather, it is intended to offer an understanding of important areas of development for us individually as well as for the culture we inhabit, that will be instrumental for shaping a different future. Skills of this kind are hard to “achieve;” they are meant to be understood, practiced and strengthened. These are not skills that we have to master and do perfectly to be a good person. These are tools for the journey, which does not require us to meet some standard of perfection to participate. Working towards them will support our developing the self-discipline to work on ourselves, so that we don’t become work for others.
Work to develop your own emotional maturity.
Emotional maturity is comprised of a combination of self-awareness, impulse control, empathy, ability to take responsibility for one’s actions and their consequences, good communication skills, healthy boundaries, ability to make good use of constructive criticism, adaptability, being solution-focused (v. problem-focused), prioritization of self-care, seeking of personal growth, ability to process difficult emotions and be present to difficult realities, and the ability to forgive oneself and others when appropriate.
Psychotherapy can be a place to work on strengthening skills on this list if that is needed. Finding where in your family and social system there are models of emotional maturity can also support this kind of growth. The following are several important skills in the constellation of maturity.
Ability to ground oneself, to self-regulate
To stay present in time of distress, we need the ability to ground ourselves in our bodies. This requires developing somatic awareness, which is the practice of tuning into physical sensations such as muscular tension, breath, heartbeat, trembling, sensations of warmth, etc. as a way to perceive, understand and regulate our emotional state.
The nervous system responds to stress with ancient survival responses like fight, flight, freeze or fawn. By noticing these shifts in the body and learning to respond with care through breath, movement, stillness or touch, we can return to a state of emotional regulation and presence. The goal is to create enough safety in the body and the mind to feel the stressful emotions fully without coming into a state of dysregulation.
Ability to process difficult emotions
To process an emotion is to fully feel it, including the physical parts of it, without being consumed or controlled by it. This requires patience, self-compassion, acceptance and time. An emotion is not something to power through or explain away. When we can pause to acknowledge grief, fear, anger or despair without judgment, we make space for emotion to move through the body and psyche, rather than getting trapped or turned inward in harmful ways.
Processing is different from venting or rehashing – it is a process of befriending what is painful, and in that way giving it space to be digested and integrated. Therapy is uniquely designed to support this process, by offering a safe container where strong feelings can be witnessed, made sense of, and metabolized.
Ability to attune, to stay related and present, to co-regulate emotion with others
Presence is the quality of being fully here, with yourself, with others, with what is happening. It’s an emotional availability, a willingness to stay with what is real, even when it is painful or unpleasant. It is not about fixing, or solving; it’s about staying with and accepting the moment without judging what is happening.
Attuning is the ability to stay emotionally connected – to yourself and/ or others – in real time. It means noticing what you feel, noticing what others feel, and staying present enough to respond with care to what you notice. In moments of stress, conflict or intensity, attunement allows us to choose curiosity over defensiveness, connection over disconnection. When two or more people are attuned, their nervous systems can begin to co-regulate, creating a shared sense of safety and calm.
Fundamental sense of identity and values
In a time of cultural upheaval when external reference points are shifting or collapsing, we need internal ones. A rooted sense of identity does not mean clinging rigidly to who you have always been – it means knowing what matters most to you, what you stand for, and where you find meaning. These are inner anchors that help us to stay oriented when the waters rise. Values help to guide action in times of uncertainty. They act like an internal compass, especially when there is no clear map.
A strong sense of identity allows for flexibility; you can change, grow, question and still stay connected to your core.
Developing resilience, which is the adaptive capacity to recover and grow from adverse experience
How do we develop resilience, stay resilient, in times like these? Have a strong back and an open heart?
Resilience is not just about enduring hardship or “toughing it out” in isolation; it’s about adapting, recovering, and growing from adversity, while acknowledging and processing the pain and grief that accompany it. In difficult times, we experience emotional turbulence—anger, grief, fear—but resilience allows us to move forward despite these emotions. It doesn’t mean repressing or ignoring them; rather, it’s about continuing to navigate the storm while holding space for what we feel.
Crucially, resilience thrives in community. It’s not about going it alone; it’s about reaching out for support when needed, sharing burdens, and being supported by others in turn. Through collective effort, self-care, and vulnerability, we can strengthen our resilience and build emotional endurance for the challenges ahead.
Ability to hold complexity and paradox
The ability to hold complexity and paradox is essential in times of uncertainty, especially when confronting deeply entrenched issues like climate change, social injustice, and political upheaval. This means moving away from simplistic binary thinking – such as defining things as either “right or wrong” or “good and bad” – and embracing a more nuanced, multi-dimensional understanding of our dilemmas. Life and human behavior tarely fit into neat categories. Complex problems require us to recognize and hold multiple perspectives simultaneously, accepting that seemingly contradictory truths can coexist. This shift is not just intellectual; it’s emotional, cognitive and neurological. It challenges us to tolerate uncertainty and ambiguity, to move beyond the either/or thinking that often feels safer but is ultimately inadequate for solving the complex problems that we face.
By integrating both analytical (left-brain) and intuitive (right-brain) approaches, we can develop a more holistic capacity to understand the world and act within in. Shifting from either/or thinking to both/and thinking is a significant shift that requires practice, self awareness, and a willingness and ability to sit with discomfort and uncertainty. A subsequent blog post will delve more deeply into the development of this skill.
We truly are in a new territory with no maps or familiar pathways to follow. The tools available to map our way through this unfamiliar terrain are our wits, our imaginations, our courage, our ability to communicate and work together.
“Climate therapist” and advice columnist Caroline Hickman, writing in the Substack column Unthinkable TIMES, tells us to “…find things to trust. Do not let these fears destroy what you know is right and good in yourself and in the world. Yes, it is confusing, but that does not mean you need to get lost in the confusion. Use the things you can trust to build a map. Use integrity, knowing right from wrong, use love and honour and decency and care. Do not allow the panic to create chaos, stay clear and trust yourself. You can call it [your trust in yourself] many things—radical hope, ruthless compassion, stubborn optimism—just do not let your heart get crushed or silenced. It is not maladaptive to feel or to care, you should feel proud that you care…..In a world that sometimes seems impossible to make sense of, perhaps we need to recognize that the old ways of making sense just do not work any longer, but that’s not to say that there are not new ways we could learn and stretch to grow.”
The future is not ordained; we truly don’t know how things will develop. Being able to stay grounded and be present to what is actually happening, as it happens, may be one of our most important tools to create a future we want and can live in. The therapy that we need now is a therapy that will help us to stretch and develop our emotional intelligence, to understand and develop the skills and attitudes that will support us separately and together, as well as supporting us in maturing emotionally and growing to meet the moment we are all in.
Editor’s Note: The views expressed in this blog are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Council for Relationships.
Contact Michele to schedule a free 15-minnute therapy consultation.
About Philadelphia Therapist Michele Southworth, JD, LMFT
Michele Southworth, JD, LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist at Council for Relationships. With more than 30 years of experience, she helps individuals and couples navigate grief, life transitions, and major decisions with clarity and compassion. Michele’s work emphasizes emotional maturity and relational healing, and she integrates both depth-oriented and present-focused approaches to strengthen emotional health.
Want to learn more about how to regulate your emotions through therapy? Request a 15-minute consultation with Michele Southworth today.
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At Council for Relationships, our therapists and psychiatrists work collaboratively to help people build resilience, deepen connections, and improve emotional regulation. Whether you’re starting therapy for the first time or looking to grow your emotional maturity, we’re here to support you.
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